Romans 12:10 says “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Are we striving to be fully devoted to the family that God has placed us within? Do we honor our spouse and children and place their needs ahead of our own? How can you practice obedience to this scripture and put the needs of others first?
Galatians 5:13-14 says to “serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself.” Does your family serve each other and lovingly care for the needs of each other? How is your family involved in service to those in your community?
Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." How are you doing with being compassionate and forgiving? Is there someone who needs your compassion and forgiveness? Have you ever asked your children to forgive you?
Colossians 3:16 states, “Let the word of Christ dwell you in richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.” We should not be shy about sharing God’s love and correction with the “one anothers” in our life. Does someone need your teaching or correction? When we correct we need to be certain that we are speaking the truth in love.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." Is there someone to whom we can offer a word of encouragement? Does your spouse know how much you value them? How about your children? Think about the words of encouragement that have been inspirational to you. How can you be a source of encouragement in your family?
Hebrews 10:25, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Worship together is one of the ways that we connect spiritually with our family. Shared spiritual practice has repeatedly been shown to strengthen marriages. Encourage each other in your spiritual growth, as you grow closer to God you will grow closer to each other.
James 5:16 states “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Do you have sins that need confessing? Have you apologized to your spouse for your shortcomings? How are you praying for one another? Prayer is powerful for softening our hearts to each other.
1 John 4: 11 reads, “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” In response to God’s tremendous love for us, we are called to demonstrate this love to one another.
Finally, Jesus himself said four times in the gospel of John alone: Love one another as I have loved you (John 13:14; 13:34; 15:12; 15:17).
There are more things that we could say about how the Bible calls us to live in community, but this is already a lot to chew on. How would our families look different if we lived out these instructions in our life? Take the challenge with me!
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Lots of planning went into getting ready for our week of family togetherness. We logged lots of training miles to get prepared for the trip and secured all the necessary gear for a week spent living outdoors. And I wanted this trip to be more than just bicycling and silliness. I wanted it to be a time of connection for our family. Thinking that this might be our last big trip with all of our children, I wanted to make lasting memories together--not just physically and socially, but spiritually.
We have long done dinnertime devotions with my husband and I sharing in the Bible reading and leading discussion. Our children take turns opening and closing with prayer and discussing the questions we ask, but rarely do kids choose the devotion or share their personal thoughts about the topic. For the week of our trip, I asked each family member to be prepared to lead devotions one night.
We told our kids to look for God sightings in their day and share a Bible passage that had special meaning for them. Each night after long miles of riding and adventures with 10,000 other riders exploring the Iowa sights, my family drew together and listened not just to parents, but to what their siblings or grandpa was learning about God that day.
It was awesome to see them rise to this leadership opportunity. They guided us through the scripture that was resonating with their hearts and helped us to see these verses in a whole new light. It was so cool to see them claiming the Bible as their own and sharing how they saw God working in their lives. This was a reminder to me that leading others is a way that we internalize the message ourselves; we have to dig into scriptures ourselves to lead someone else.
It was touching to hear the things that our children were inspired by. I felt so incredibly privileged to get a front row seat to see how God was working in their hearts. I think we often miss knowing what is on the hearts of our kids simply because we fail to ask. It occurred to me that I should be giving them more opportunities to share at home about what they are learning and how God is challenging them. If as parents our goal is to raise up adults who walk with God, shouldn’t we give them opportunities to show how their growth is coming?
]]>We argue about trivial things because they represent bigger, more emotional issues. Too often we argue about the details and never quite get to the real underlying issues. Then it seems like we have the same fight over and over--the details may be different, but the base issues are the same.
Scott Stanley, in his book A Lasting Promise, speaks to the underlying issues from which conflict stems. Stanley’s book was very eye-opening for me. It showed me the reasons that little things get under my skin.
His list of underlying issues showed me how minor things would get hooked in me and leave me frustrated. It also made me look at why I am insecure about certain things. What is it, for example, about the trash not being taken out gets me so upset? Stanley lists six different reasons or underlying issues behind the things we fight about.
In our home, it was repairing the car that sparked a huge debate. When I was growing up, my father always maintained the vehicle. It was just Dad's job. So when my husband suggested it would be simpler if I called the auto shop myself and let them know what was going on with my vehicle, I completely lost my temper. Sorry, not always a good example!
To my husband, it just made sense for each of us to communicate problems and schedule appointments with the auto shop directly, rather than have me report through him and have him coordinate my schedule with the shop. It was all so logical! When I stopped to look at our argument in light of Stanley's issues, I realized it wasn't the car, it was my expectations of feeling cared for. Having to deal with the car left me feeling uncared for--after all, this is what I assumed caring husbands do! Discussing my feelings about why I was so opposed to talking with the garage turned out to be way more productive than my temper tantrum!
Many couples say they fight about money, for example, and Stanley's underlying issues help us see why it's never about the money, but about what the money means.
Understanding the underlying issues not only helps us fight more productively, they also show us where our own insecurities lie. Those insecurities were probably brought into your marriage, and remain sensitive spots in all areas of your life. Do we fear being unaccepted, unvalued, or uncared for? Do we have troubles trusting others? Do we have a need to be in control? If we can recognize our sensitivities and wounds, then we can better manage our relationships.
]]>We live in a culture that idolizes physical beauty. Health is discarded as we try to achieve a figure that our society considers attractive. Eating disorders are common as women struggle to maintain unrealistic body proportions. We are confronted everyday with advertisements trying to sell us products to slow our aging or club memberships to sculpt the perfect body.
We know as well as the writer of Proverbs that outward beauty is fleeting. There is no magic pill to turn back the clock. The challenge is to shift our focus. God sees a heart that reverences him as the most important thing. So we need to stand apart from our culture and show a different perspective. We need to be careful that God is the focus of our lives and that we are not making youth and beauty idols in our lives.
Of course it is important to maintain the health of our bodies; we want to care for the bodies that God has given us. Our outward appearance should never take priority over maintaining our spiritual health.
So where is your focus? Are you focused on what our culture tells us to worry about? Are you taking your cues from what God says in the Bible? God tells us that society may look at outward beauty, but he looks at the heart.
Do we have unrealistic expectations for our spouse? Do we expect our spouse to maintain a perfect body? Our body image can sometimes take a beating as our bodies change over the years. We can be hard on ourselves for carrying extra pounds. Will we remember our vows to love our spouse through whatever life brings? Our spouse needs our love and acceptance to know that the outward stuff is not as important as what is on the inside.
Are you focusing on God's priorities or on what the world considers valuable? Are you working on building your spiritual muscles?
]]>Our tongues are a dangerous weapon. What power there is in something so small! The tongue is a difficult thing to tame. We know the pain of having been called names or labeled in a less that kind way. Those things impact us deeply and color how we see the world and how we react to others.
In the heat of anger or out of pure frustration, we may use words that damage our spouse. There is no time more important for the taming of your tongue than when you are emotional. It is impossible to un-ring a bell and it is equally as challenging to move past the hurtful things that have been said to us. Can we work through those things and find forgiveness? Hopefully we can, but how much better to have never spoken out of anger in the first place.
In marriage we share intimately with each other, which places us in a vulnerable position. It is so important that we never take advantage of that trust and never use those things against our spouse. It is so challenging to rebuild trust in a relationship after it has been trampled.
With our tongue we can praise and encourage our spouse or wound them deeply. Of course we want to be the encouraging voice that inspires our spouse and brings joy to their day, but somehow we get off track and lose sight of the goal of being one with our spouse. We need to remember that we are not enemies, but partners on the same team.
How can you speak encouragingly to your spouse? What are things your spouse desires to hear from you?
]]>Cleaning carpets around our house yesterday was eye opening. It is shocking how much dirt hides in there! It made me think of how much dirt is hidden in our own lives. We look good on the outside yet we hide a lot of dirt within us too. We put on a good outward appearance, but within lurks all kinds of dirt we don’t want to be seen. We have thoughts that are less than pure or kind. We desire things that we know are outside of God’s plan. We ignore the needs of those we should care for, while indulging our every whim. We live in conflict with our neighbor, holding on to anger and bitterness. Are there areas of your relationships that you don’t want God to see?
What an impressive request to ask God to look into all those hidden areas. Are we able to ask with the psalmist? Do we really want God to test us? That is a really difficult request. It takes a lot of trust to allow God into those hidden areas of our life. Are you brave enough to let Christ clean your spiritual carpets? Are you willing to let God examine all those places? Sometimes we prefer to keep God separate. We want God for Sunday worship and to fix things here and there, but we don’t want him to invade the rest of our lives.
When we allow him access to our heart, he is transformative. Are you ready to be changed? What a blessing it is to us when we allow him to sweep those corners clean. When God steps in and changes our thoughts, our actions follow. Are you ready for restoration of your relationships? Are you brave enough to pray this prayer today?!
]]>This is such a simple sentence and yet it is packed with truth that can be challenging to live. When we find ourselves in conflict we forget some aspects of this instruction. In an argument we tend to only see truth through our own eyes without looking at how the situation may look to the person with whom we are in conflict. When we are angry with our spouse we see things in a distorted manner, where everything seems like an offense.
Sometimes we can see a distortion, but we are unwilling to offer any correction because we are uncomfortable with conflict or we are afraid of upsetting our spouse. We may struggle with what is the loving way to approach a situation and so we ignore it altogether. We value having a spouse who loves us enough to set us straight when we are wrong. We will grow best when we have a spouse who holds us accountable and encourages our spiritual growth. When we don’t do this we allow the devil a foothold in our relationships. We miss valuable opportunities for growth when we shy away from conflict.
We may be speaking truthfully, but if it is done outside of love, it will never be heard. John Gottman , research psychologist, found that we need a ratio of 5 positive comments to 1 negative to maintain health in a relationship. This can be a real challenge when we are angry or frustrated! Without love our corrective will only be heard as condemnation. Our goal should never be to beat our spouse down. When we speak the truth in a loving way we create the perfect environment for transformation.
Are you able to give criticism constructively? Can you accept criticism and learn from it?
]]>God calls us to faithfully serve others. So who are the others and what kind of service is God expecting out of us? We are each gifted with talents and abilities that God wants us to use for his service. This is more than just using our skills or training in our workplace, but it applies to our home life and relationships as well. God has gifted us for service in these areas too.
God has placed us within relationships and he wants us to be his channels of grace within them. We need to daily be looking to those around us and reaching out to see how we can be administering God’s grace. There are lots of ways that we can bless others in their day. A word of kindness or encouragement can brighten someone’s day. When we simply spend time with someone they feel valued. Any act of kindness is refreshing to someone who is weary from the day. Ask yourself how you can make your spouse’s day better today.
How are you using your gifts to serve your families? Every little way is valuable! Are you being a conduit for God's grace? Our spouse and children will experience God’s grace through us, so let it flow!
]]>Prayer is one of the most powerful spiritual disciplines. It is the opportunity to bring the cares of our hearts to the very throne of God. What a blessing it is to have an audience with the God of the universe who cares about the concerns that weigh on our hearts.
When we cast our cares on God, we’re free to walk around without a lifetime of baggage. It is a natural tendency to want to fix all of our problems on our own. We are overwhelmed with anxiety over so many things that we have no control over! We need to keep handing the baggage back to God, and trust our issues to his care.
When we bow our heads together, as a couple, we have the opportunity to hear the spiritual aches that our spouse carries. Can you be trusted with that information? Do you trust your spouse enough to be spiritually naked together? It can be scary to take those risks. We may pray after an argument and find our hands trembling as we pray. Our grievances with each other feel petty in the presence of God.
As I look at some of the most intimate moments in our marriage, they involve prayer. When one of us stopped the flow of anxiety, by taking the others hand and praying, it changed the whole situation. It is amazing to see how perspectives are altered when we become aware of God’s presence in the midst of our struggles. We are called to confess to our spouse and pray for them. How are you doing in your prayer lives?
When we pray together as a couple, it knits our hearts together with God’s heart. The cord of three strands is not easily broken. We should share our prayer concerns with our spouse. We should also ask what is weighing on their heart that you can lift up in prayer today. Are we remembering to pray for our spouse? Prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have for strengthening our relationships, use it today.
]]>In short, the rules for parenting are not fundamentally different for blended families (unity, consistency, relationship), but the webs of blended relationship present pointed complications. These challenges are not beyond God's capabilites, trust in his leading!
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How does the day start at your home? Do you hit the snooze on your alarm clock a few times until you are late enough that you need to run out the door to your morning obligations? Coffee may appear to be a higher need than prayer sometimes! Does your family see God’s love through your morning interactions?
We hear in scripture the blessing of being in a relationship with God and communicating regularly with him, but do we live like we understand that? If we live in communication with God, we will become more like him. Do you start your day with an awareness of being in his presence? Are you so diligent in prayer that the devil shudders when your feet hit the floor in the morning?
We need to live our day with an awareness that this day is a gift from God and we need to work to live our life for his glory. Will you begin your day in prayer with your God? I can guarantee that it will give you more peace in your day that hitting the snooze button another time!
We also need to lead our families to start each day in God’s presence. Will you hold your spouse’s hands to pray over breakfast? Praying together not only connects us to God, but also to each other. Prayer is the spiritual cement that binds us together. Will you ask your spouse how you can pray for them during your day? Will you pray a blessing over your children before they head out the door to school? There are many ways to direct our family to an awareness of God, but the task begins with us.
It is important to encourage each other in the development of our spiritual gifts. Our spouse is in a unique role to help us grow spiritually. How can you encourage each other today?
]]>I find Job so impressive. He was able to praise God when God was giving AND when God was taking away. Sometimes it can be easier to praise God when things are working in our favor. When things are going well and we are not distracted by huge challenges, we feel grateful for our blessings. But when we are feeling secure in our lives, do we remember to give God credit? We often become too proud of our own accomplishments and think that we have somehow earned what God has given. We forget to thank the one who is truly responsible for our blessings. We may forget that every gift is from above (James 1:17). I think of how the persecuted church prays for us that we do not become so complacent in our faith that we forget God.
How often do we praise God when things are going poorly? It is easy to become frustrated in difficult circumstances. We find ourselves doubting God or being angry at Him. The first response is not always to praise, but to cry for justice and mercy. Sometimes our response is to lash out at one another. We see throughout the Psalms how David cries out in anguish to God and complains about his circumstances. David always returns to praising God, but not before offering a few complaints. That gives us some hope as David was considered a man after God’s own heart! God will use all of our suffering for his glory.
Can you see beyond your own challenges and trust that God has your best interest at heart? Are you able to trust God so completely that you can praise trust Him when you are in the midst of a mess? That's our challenge!
]]>We spend the working hours of the day tending to all of our responsibilities and when we meet at the end of the day we are exhausted. Our work is not over when we enter the door. The responsibilities of home and family call for our attention. Sometimes we just want to check out and decompress.
How do you transition to family at the end of the day? For those driving home it is a great idea to pray for your family as you drive toward home. This will clear the stresses of the work day and redirect your heart towards your family. The supper hour can be a challenging time of the day. We used to call this the acid hour as tired and hungry kids melted down as you tried to make dinner. There is no perfect answer for this challenging time, only a good sense of humor. We always tried to play music and sing together as we gathered toys and prepared for supper.
We need to make the most of all of these opportunities to care for our families. Time spent working and playing together communicates our love. We all have gifts we need to pour into our families. We have all been given many gifts from our heavenly father and he expects us to use these gifts to serve those around us. What gifts do you think that you can contribute to your family? What would your spouse identify as your gifts?
]]>Life is so unfair. We hear this complaint all the time. Our culture will tell us that if we are in conflict then our spouse is not our soul mate and we ought to start looking for someone else. The Bible has a very different perspective. Paul writes that those who marry will face great heartache and I want to spare you this. (1 Cor 7:28) I am sure that this verse would not make the list of popular wedding texts. We don’t like to be told that life can stink and our marriage will face conflict.
We need to understand that every marriage is a cross cultural endeavor. Any time two individuals decide to join their lives to one another, challenges will arise. We are unique individuals with our own needs and desires that will at times run in conflict with those of our spouse. If we are honest, every relationship will experience conflict. This is part of being broken people.
Fortunately, the text from John does not abandon us to our troubles. The second half of the verse tells us to take heart because Christ has overcome the world. We can take heart because our God is there for us in the midst of our challenges.
When we nurture our spiritual life, we will be more able to see the world with God’s perspective. It is a blessing when we can adjust our vision to see our spouse as an image bearer of God. We will all disappoint each other and fall short of living our lives with the holiness God desires. Are we able to seek forgiveness when we mess up and strive to live in ways that honor God and our spouse?
Sometimes we need to be reminded that God placed us on the same team when he brought us together. Our spouse is not the enemy in our conflict, but a fellow struggler. How are you supporting your team mate? Are there ways that you are contributing to the conflict? What do you need to ask forgiveness for?
Seek God’s wisdom in your struggles and take heart, because the one who has overcome the world dwells within us and walks with us through our troubles.
]]>This is a text that shows up at weddings all the time. It is a beautiful poetic picture of how love ought to look. It strikes us as so idyllic that it is unattainable. In our own strength it is outside of our grasp. We could never love our partner so well. It is only with God’s strength that we are able to achieve any of these characteristics.
It is a natural part of our human nature to make note of injustices. We often keep a mental list of all the ways we have been wronged. We see this in marriage too. We can recite a full litany of all the things that are spouse has done wrong. We can recall the complete list of the inconsiderate things that we have experienced. It is as if we are a tape recorder playing the same sad song.
We know that living with our list of grievances is unproductive. When we hang on to our list, we are resisting the healing power of God’s forgiveness in our lives. It is incredibly freeing to give our lists over to God and give him the responsibility for establishing justice. Allowing God to carry the burdens in our lives will set us free to live our lives unencumbered.
Forgive and forget is a nice turn of phrase, but it is not realistic. We will never fully forget the hurts that we have received. We don’t want to pretend like we were not hurt or that the hurt was not significant. We need to acknowledge the pain we have received. When we have grieved it, we need to give up our right to retaliation. What pain have you been harboring that you need to give up to the Lord? Will you let Him heal you?
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